Autism in Love
The other night I watched the documentary Autism in Love on Netflix (directed by Matt Fuller). It chronicled the lives of four people with autism and their experiences with relationships. It's an important topic as for those of us on the spectrum, relationships bring difficulties that folks without autism might not experience.
We follow the lives of Lenny, a young man filled with self loathing and who, heartbreakingly, wishes he didn't have autism; Stephen, a man around 50 who is more on the low-functioning end of the spectrum (if you need an image in your mind of what this sort of looks like, think of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man); and a couple, Lindsey and Dave, both of whom are on the spectrum. Lindsey and Dave's story has a happy ending (he proposes), but Lenny and Stephen's stories aren't particularly happy (Lenny bemoans his life, and Stephen loses his wife of 20 years to cancer).
This entry isn't meant to be a review of the film, by the way. I will give a quick summary of my feelings: I found the film to be way too bleak. If you have Netflix, check it out and let me know what you think.
I have had struggles with relationships, and continue to do so. They're not insurmountable struggles, but as I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't have autism (or what's known as "neurotypical."), it brings with it challenges that a neurotypical couple might not experience.
Communication is difficult. I'm not always able to read body language or understand nuance in what is said. I also sometimes take things literally.
I react emotionally to things differently than others, so in a situation where you might expect me to react with, say, sadness, I may not have any kind of reaction, which gives the potential impression of my not caring about the situation. Which just isn't true, and I will manifest an expected emotional reaction in tangible ways, such as offering to do something for the person that makes them happy. I might not cry at the death of a loved one, or cry at the funeral. Again, this doesn't mean the death didn't have an impact on me.
Before I met the love of my life, I dated for several years. I like to joke that my dating experience was the same as the title of the Adam Sandler film, Fifty First Dates, as I literally had that number of first dates. Actually, it probably was way more than that; this was a three-year period or so). It was a perplexing experience for me, as I rarely understood why the person I went out with had no desire to ever see me again. In Autism in Love, Lindsey talked about the same thing: all of the dates she had prior to meeting Dave, and not knowing why the dates were not successful. I still don't know if my dates were just turned off by my first impression or some other factor.
When you end up in a relationship with someone on the spectrum, you'll discover that your loved one is bound by routine, and has difficulty in changing that routine. This can be particularly frustrating to someone who craves spontaneity. I'm not incapable of this, but it's REALLY difficult for me. In a previous relationship, my need for routine probably was a contributing factor to the end of that relationship; the person I was married to needed someone in her life who could be spontaneous. Now, in that relationship I hadn't been diagnosed, but looking back on it, it was clear that I was exhibiting symptoms.
I want to stress that, despite the challenges, one can have a lasting relationship with someone on the spectrum. Like in any successful relationship, it just requires both people to work at making the relationship work. There are struggles that might not be present in a relationship with two neurotypical people, but all relationships have their ups and downs. The message I want to convey -- which I don't think was done well in Autism in Love -- is that people with autism can find love and thrive.
We follow the lives of Lenny, a young man filled with self loathing and who, heartbreakingly, wishes he didn't have autism; Stephen, a man around 50 who is more on the low-functioning end of the spectrum (if you need an image in your mind of what this sort of looks like, think of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man); and a couple, Lindsey and Dave, both of whom are on the spectrum. Lindsey and Dave's story has a happy ending (he proposes), but Lenny and Stephen's stories aren't particularly happy (Lenny bemoans his life, and Stephen loses his wife of 20 years to cancer).
This entry isn't meant to be a review of the film, by the way. I will give a quick summary of my feelings: I found the film to be way too bleak. If you have Netflix, check it out and let me know what you think.
I have had struggles with relationships, and continue to do so. They're not insurmountable struggles, but as I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't have autism (or what's known as "neurotypical."), it brings with it challenges that a neurotypical couple might not experience.
Communication is difficult. I'm not always able to read body language or understand nuance in what is said. I also sometimes take things literally.
I react emotionally to things differently than others, so in a situation where you might expect me to react with, say, sadness, I may not have any kind of reaction, which gives the potential impression of my not caring about the situation. Which just isn't true, and I will manifest an expected emotional reaction in tangible ways, such as offering to do something for the person that makes them happy. I might not cry at the death of a loved one, or cry at the funeral. Again, this doesn't mean the death didn't have an impact on me.
Before I met the love of my life, I dated for several years. I like to joke that my dating experience was the same as the title of the Adam Sandler film, Fifty First Dates, as I literally had that number of first dates. Actually, it probably was way more than that; this was a three-year period or so). It was a perplexing experience for me, as I rarely understood why the person I went out with had no desire to ever see me again. In Autism in Love, Lindsey talked about the same thing: all of the dates she had prior to meeting Dave, and not knowing why the dates were not successful. I still don't know if my dates were just turned off by my first impression or some other factor.
When you end up in a relationship with someone on the spectrum, you'll discover that your loved one is bound by routine, and has difficulty in changing that routine. This can be particularly frustrating to someone who craves spontaneity. I'm not incapable of this, but it's REALLY difficult for me. In a previous relationship, my need for routine probably was a contributing factor to the end of that relationship; the person I was married to needed someone in her life who could be spontaneous. Now, in that relationship I hadn't been diagnosed, but looking back on it, it was clear that I was exhibiting symptoms.
I want to stress that, despite the challenges, one can have a lasting relationship with someone on the spectrum. Like in any successful relationship, it just requires both people to work at making the relationship work. There are struggles that might not be present in a relationship with two neurotypical people, but all relationships have their ups and downs. The message I want to convey -- which I don't think was done well in Autism in Love -- is that people with autism can find love and thrive.
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